The sneaky truth about family support in anxiety disorders
READ TIME : 4 min
Did you know…Not all support in anxiety disorder treatment is actually helpful.
In fact, the way most people respond to an anxious person is actually NOT helpful for long term recovery. And it can actually fuel that anxiety/panic cycle and work against recovery.
That’s because treatment for anxiety is very intentional and honestly can seem illogical to an outside observer. The goal isn’t to get rid of anxiety, but instead change the person’s response and increase their self trust and confidence.
Let’s look at an example:
I want you to think of it like teaching a kiddo to swim, and remember there is a reason that we usually hire someone else to do this and it’s not because we don’t know how or because we don’t want to. It’s because it’s friggen complicated. Lol that’s also why I can’t treat my family or friend’s anxiety.
But, let’s stick with this swimming example…
A kiddo is UNDERSTANDABLY scared when they first learn to swim, even once they have developed the skills and can swim. And it can be so hard to watch them be scared. So naturally we want to step in so they know we’re there, but we don’t want to block their growth…
It’s easier said than done, right?
Because we absolutely want to step in if it’s needed. But we don’t want to step in before they actually need it, otherwise we send the wrong message (that we don’t think they can handle it on their own).
And when someone seems scared, we respond. And when they are anxious their own confidence is skewed. So of course it’s hard for you to tell when they actually need your help, versus when to let them be uncomfortable so they can grow.
So what should you do then?
Ok, so support in this situation would look like taking it step by step teaching them to swim, but eventually getting to the point where you go from being with them in the water, to further away, and eventually even out of the pool.
Now you’re close enough to step in if needed (SUPPORT), but you’re also far enough away for them to learn they can do it on their own (GROWTH IN STRUGGLE).
Here are some common ways family & friends can fall into the anxiety trap and unintentionally make it worse:
they offer reassurance and respond to your requests for reassurance
they help you avoid places and things that trigger your anxiety by going for you or with you
they step in every time you feel anxious (probably because it’s hard to watch)
they change their behavior to go with your rigid routines/rules (because it seems easier)
they don’t talk about your anxiety because they don’t want to upset you (even if it’s impacting them)
This hardly ever gets talked about and let me make one thing clear, that we’re not blaming friends or family here.
Because no one is to blame. Anxiety is just a tricky little beast that can con the best of us. But, I think it’s important to talk about because these are the people in your life who are your biggest cheerleaders. And they are trying so hard to support you.
So with a little guidance on how anxiety and panic work in your brain and family members can become so monumental in your recovery.
The examples in this reel often times are referred to as family accommodations. Where essentially family or friends are trying to help someone with anxiety, but end up doing things that can fuel that anxiety cycle in the long run.
Which honestly, I think is a logical response when you have a loved one with anxiety or panic. Because an anxiety disorder can rock an entire household. And we can feel desperate to make it better. So really the same way anxiety can trick us into avoiding things that aren’t actually dangerous, it can trick your friends and family into helping you avoid those things, too.
Because the fear is real. And that’s what you’re focused on and so are they.
And I know you’re probably wondering about this so let me answer it. Yes, there is a difference between providing support and giving reassurance.
Support is standing near them in the pool saying I know it’s scary but you’re tougher than you think!
And reassurance is giving them a guarantee or doing it for or with them (when it’s not necessary).
And again, I think it is a very understandable response to provide reassurance to someone struggling. In fact, when I was a rookie therapist I gave plenty of reassurance. Until I learned how anxiety worked. And I still give a little reassurance now and then, but what I’m really talking about here is reassurance that is repetitive and a pattern in response to anxiety.
This UNHELPFUL type of reassurance might look like:
always calling a family member or friend to run decisions by them (to get reassurance that you’re not making an error)
asking are you mad at me? Etc
running thoughts by someone (am I being a jerk?)
having a safe person that you do things with
asking what should I say in my text message to this person?
asking if you did something (said something mean, hurt someone, washed something, locked a door, etc)
confessing something you did so someone else can tell you it’s ok
asking if you think they’ll be ok with a certain physiological symptom or sensation
And the list could go on. But here’s the tricky part. Reassurance actually does help decrease anxiety INITIALLY. But it’s only temporary.
But then they continue to need reassurance in the future, which means they will either be stuck in a cycle with you or also engage in other forms of reassurance seeking like googling it or checking with other people’s, etc.
I guess the point here is that you might be trying to help that person feel more confident, but in order to do that, we have to give them an opportunity to build it for themselves. Just like the kid in the pool. Yes, you’re going to be there initially when they are learning, but allowing them space to struggle and learn that they are tougher than they think.
And it’s so cool to watch that kid get out of the pool and feel so proud that they have learned to swim! (That’s what my job looks like as an anxiety therapist, too which is so friggen cool 😎)
Hi, I’m Michelle
I’ve been working in mental health since 2010 and struggling with anxiety for oh, idk, maybe my entire life.
And with my lived experience having anxiety, I know what works, what doesn’t, and what makes things feel worse. In here, you’re not alone, and I’ll work with you to shed the shame along with the anxiety. And by using evidence-based practices, I’ll help you recover, not just feel better.