So what SHOULD you do to support someone with anxiety? from an anxiety therapist
READ TIME : 4 min
First thing is to realize that you aren’t doing anything wrong per se, but you can do it better.
I usually see one of two responses:
Either people give too much reassurance, step in when the person feels anxious, help them avoid anxiety etc. (this is like teaching a kiddo to swim and always staying right next to them in the pool the entire process even when they are fully capable of swimming on their own)
OR
They try to push them too quickly. (this is like tossing that kiddo in the pool after a few lessons, yea they can swim but this isn’t how we build their confidence)
Honestly, I think both responses make sense, but neither one is ACTUALLY that helpful.
And in my opinion, family members are an untapped resource when it comes to recovery from anxiety, because these are the people who care SO MUCH.
So let’s teach them how to actually show up for their anxious loved ones...
Probably because defenses can be high, understandably. Because this surrounds a person you love. And honestly it’s not as simple as, “here are 5 things to do.”
Because helpful support will look differently for each person at each point in their recovery.
Ideally you’d want to work with a therapist who specializes in anxiety and can coach you on how support should look for that person at each point in their recovery.
Let’s look at some examples:
Instead of telling them that “everything will be ok, I promise”…try saying “I know this feels scary, and that’s ok to feel scared, but it’s also ok to lean into it to take a step closer to a life where anxiety doesn’t stop you.”
Instead of trying to anticipate what might make them feel anxious and figure out how to avoid it…try allowing for natural exposures to anxiety because each time we try to avoid it we not only block their ability to learn they actually can handle it, but it can also decrease their confidence.
Instead of answering that common question “what do you think I should do”...try to turn it back to them so they have a chance to practice thinking about it for themselves and building that confidence.
It’s also ok to highlight that they did something while anxious because the goal is NOT to get rid of anxiety (yes eventually it will decrease), but the goal is to learn that they can handle it without anyone else stepping in or trying to avoid it.
This might sound like “I know you felt anxious while doing that, but I’m really proud of you for doing it anyway and giving your brain a chance to learn that you can handle it even if you’re anxious”
REMEMBER…it’s not just their response that we want to change because the way you respond to their anxiety matters, too!
Here’s the truth, I’ve been there too…when I first started as a rookie therapist, I’m sure I made some of the same mistakes by giving too much reassurance and not allowing space for my clients to struggle.
And by that I mean: I also got tricked by anxiety, because I wasn’t trained in how anxiety really works and I didn’t want my clients to struggle. And I really thought I was helping.
Raise your hand if you’ve been there, too.
BUT NOT ANYMORE. *Hallelujah*
And it all came down to this ONE mental shift: I stopped trying to get rid of their anxiety...and started helping them realize that it didn’t have to be avoided. And that they are stronger than anxiety gives them credit for.
Hi, I’m Michelle
I’ve been working in mental health since 2010 and struggling with anxiety for oh, idk, maybe my entire life.
And with my lived experience having anxiety, I know what works, what doesn’t, and what makes things feel worse. In here, you’re not alone, and I’ll work with you to shed the shame along with the anxiety. And by using evidence-based practices, I’ll help you recover, not just feel better.